Mom Rage: A Symptom of Broken Systems — As Featured in Brainz Magazine
We are thrilled to share one of our own’s newly published articles, Mom Rage: A Symptom of Broken Systems, featured in Brainz Magazine, you may also read here. This piece delves into the societal challenges that contribute to maternal frustration and offers actionable solutions to support moms in navigating these pressures. Written by Katelyn MacDonald, a licensed mental health counselor specializing in perinatal mental health and the founder of Andover Therapy Services, this article is a must-read for those seeking deeper understanding and support.
These moments can feel isolating, even frightening, but they’re actually far more common than you may think. Understanding the roots of this anger and, more importantly, knowing you’re not alone in experiencing it is the first step in learning to manage it. Together, let’s explore what drives these feelings, how they’re connected to deeper issues, and ways to find compassion for ourselves in the process.
What is mom rage?
In her book, "Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood," Minna Dubin defines "mom rage" as an emotional response that many mothers experience when they feel overwhelmed, unsupported, or stretched too thin by the demands of motherhood and society’s unrealistic expectations. Dubin describes this emotional experience as deep-seated anger that often arises due to the chronic stress, isolation, exhaustion, and lack of systemic support that mothers face, particularly in a patriarchal culture that fails to value caregiving and domestic labor.
To understand why so many mothers experience intense feelings of anger, we need to look beyond the surface of isolated incidents and into the deeper layers of each mother’s life and societal expectations. This anger often stems from unresolved trauma, internalized expectations around motherhood, and the sense of being unseen or unsupported by partners, family members, and society as a whole. In Mina Dubin’s book, she highlights how systemic inequalities create an underlying current of frustration, leaving mothers feeling as though they are carrying an invisible weight one that frequently builds to an explosive point.
Rather than framing this anger as “rage” or a personal flaw, it’s more accurate to understand it as a response to unmet needs. These needs include equitable support, acknowledgment of maternal contributions, access to mental health resources, and strong community support networks. Addressing these systemic issues can help shift the narrative around maternal anger, validating it as a call for change rather than as a personal failing.
When society fails mothers, anger follows.
Partners, extended family, and the community each play crucial roles in supporting mothers. However, the first step is recognizing that we live in a culture that places overwhelming expectations on mothers, asking them to be everything for everyone, yet offering little meaningful support in return. Mothers handle the invisible labor of running a household, remain emotionally available for their children and partners, and are often left feeling depleted and emotionally isolated, with no space to care for themselves.
The chronic strain of managing various roles, while constantly being “on” emotionally and mentally, leaves many mothers simmering with frustration over carrying an impossible load, often without validation or acknowledgment. This anger isn’t about fleeting challenges or “difficult kids”; it’s rooted in the expectation that mothers must be critical thinkers, problem-solvers, and strategists just to keep daily life running smoothly. They juggle coordinating with care providers, medical professionals, teachers, and coaches, all while often holding down responsibilities in their own careers. And they do all this within a society that undervalues their essential contributions, failing to provide the resources and support they need.
Rather than asking how mothers can stop feeling angry, we should instead be asking why they feel so unsupported and what systemic changes are needed to address these deep-rooted imbalances.
Can we shift the narrative of mom rage?
Rather than framing “mom rage” as a personal shortcoming or an unappealing emotional state, we must actively shift the narrative to view it as a symptom of larger systemic and structural issues. By doing so, we acknowledge that maternal anger is often a natural response to chronic stress and unmet needs, rather than a flaw. Here are six key strategies to initiate this shift:
Reframe the conversation.
Instead of calling it “mom rage,” terms like “maternal burnout” or “chronic stress from caregiving” more accurately reflect the underlying causes. These terms help open up conversations about the societal changes needed to address the pressures on mothers and reduce the stigma around these emotions.
Advocate for policy changes
Supporting initiatives like paid parental leave, affordable childcare, and fair distribution of household labor can alleviate significant stressors that contribute to maternal anger. Such policies promote healthier family dynamics and improve overall societal well-being by reducing the burdens that disproportionately affect mothers.
Encourage equitable partnerships
Maternal anger often reflects an uneven division of emotional and physical labor within households. Partners can take an active role in managing household tasks, defining what needs to be done from start to finish, and participating in caregiving not as a favor but as a necessary contribution to a healthy family structure. This lessens the likelihood that mothers will feel neglected or overwhelmed.
Promote mental health support
Therapy, support groups, and community networks offer mothers safe spaces to process their emotions and validate their experiences, reducing stigma around expressing anger. Normalizing conversations about mental health in motherhood helps address these feelings before they escalate into anger or resentment.
Cultivate emotional maturity across genders
Emotional awareness and tolerance for vulnerability are critical skills for managing relationships and parenthood. By teaching children—both boys and girls to identify and communicate their needs and emotions, we foster a foundation for emotional maturity. This prepares them to build healthier, more supportive partnerships and relationships as adults.
Provide comprehensive family support
A family systems approach encourages all family members to seek support, whether through therapy, parenting classes, or community resources. Accessing these resources promotes emotional well-being across the family and ensures that mothers aren’t shouldering the entire emotional and mental load alone.
Is there hope for mothers to cope with “mom rage?”
The short answer is: absolutely! By acknowledging the disproportionate mental and emotional labor mothers often carry in silence, we can normalize the complex range of emotions they experience. This shift creates a culture where seeking support and finding healthy ways to cope with anger is encouraged and accepted.
If you’re struggling with worry or shame as you try to increase your capacity to cope and self-regulate, know that there is hope. Every time you pause and resist the urge to immediately react to anger, you are, in fact, helping to rewire your brain for a healthier response. Managing “mom rage” is no small feat it requires patience, self-compassion, and a steady commitment.
Remember, feeling anger is entirely normal, and finding constructive ways to cope ensures it doesn’t become overwhelming or harmful. Each moment of mindfulness creates a more balanced, resilient approach to parenting. Below are six strategies to help you manage and channel “mom rage” in ways that support your well-being.
6 strategies to build resilience against “mom rage”
1. Pause and breathe
Take a break: When anger starts building, if it’s safe to do so, step away for a moment. A brief pause can prevent an outburst and give you space to reset.
Deep breathing: Practice the "4-4-4" method inhale for four seconds, hold for four, and exhale for four. This activates your body’s relaxation response, calming both mind and body.
Mindful grounding: Focus on what you can see, hear, and feel in your surroundings to bring yourself back to the present. This practice helps reduce anger’s intensity by shifting your focus.
2. Identify triggers and patterns
Track emotions: Keep a journal or mental note of moments when your anger spikes, noting patterns in your environment, stress levels, or sleep quality.
Address root causes: Once you identify common triggers like exhaustion, lack of support, or overstimulation take steps to address them. This might mean asking for help, setting boundaries, or adjusting routines to reduce stress.
3. Create a self-care routine
Prioritize rest: Sleep deprivation heightens irritability. Make rest a priority by sharing nighttime duties or adjusting your schedule to allow for naps or breaks.
Physical activity: Regular exercise, such as walking, yoga, or stretching, can relieve tension and reduce feelings of anger.
Schedule "Me time": Aim for 10–15 minutes of daily self-care, whether it’s reading, journaling, or listening to music. These small acts recharge your emotional energy.
4. Communicate your needs
Express frustration openly: Rather than bottling up emotions, talk with a partner, friend, or family member. Sharing your struggles can ease the burden.
Set boundaries: Clearly communicate when you need a break or help with tasks. Setting boundaries can prevent burnout and reduce resentment, helping you manage your emotions effectively.
5. Seek professional support
Therapy: A therapist can help you identify the root causes of anger and teach coping mechanisms like cognitive-behavioral techniques to manage intense emotions. Look for a therapist specializing in perinatal or maternal mental health.
Support groups: Connecting with a mom support group or online community can provide validation and shared experiences, reducing feelings of isolation.
6. Cultivate self-compassion
Reframe expectations: Recognize that it’s okay not to meet every expectation perfectly. Replace self-criticism with gentle reminders that you are doing your best.
Practice self-forgiveness: Letting go of guilt for feeling anger or frustration is essential for emotional health. Each day offers a new chance to approach challenges with grace.
Embracing a new perspective
Remember, “mom rage” is not a personal failing but rather a natural response to the intense stress and unmet needs many mothers face. By reframing mom rage as a valid reaction to overwhelming responsibilities, we normalize the need for support, self-compassion, and positive coping strategies. Progress may be gradual, but with each mindful pause, each moment of seeking help, and each boundary set, mothers can cultivate resilience and emotional balance. Embracing these steps not only helps manage anger but also leads to a more fulfilling and balanced parenting journey.