The Ripple Effect: Emotional Flooding and Its Impact on New Families – As Featured in Brainz Magazine
The Ripple Effect: Emotional Flooding and Its Impact on New Families in the Perinatal Stage, featured in Brainz Magazine. This insightful piece explores how emotional flooding affects families during the perinatal period, delving into its causes, impacts, and strategies for emotional well-being. Written by Katelyn MacDonald, a licensed mental health counselor specializing in perinatal mental health and the founder of Andover Therapy Services, this article provides valuable guidance for new parents and those supporting them. Read here.
Understanding why you or your partner react so strongly in these moments is key to breaking this cycle of "emotional flooding." What if you could identify and address these patterns to create a healthier, more connected relationship? Let's explore how.
Understanding emotional flooding: Signs and symptoms
Emotional flooding occurs when someone becomes overwhelmed by intense emotions, making it difficult to think clearly or control their reactions.
Emotional flooding is characterized by
Feeling disorganized and unable to maintain effective functioning, leading to overwhelm.
A stress response, leading to the brain detecting danger or threat and the shutting down of the pre-frontal cortex and thus, executive functioning, critical thought, memory, and impulse control.
Wanting to escape or withdraw from the situation.
This behavior can appear as withdrawing and emotional numbness.
Unexpected, intense negative emotions that seem to come out of nowhere.
Decoding emotional flooding: Its origins and impact
The powerlessness we feel to control what is happening during conflict only adds to the uncertainty and confusion we feel around what is happening inside our bodies. It helps to understand the physiological changes that happen when a person reaches their limit for negative emotions or frustration.
Emotional flooding occurs during conflict when a person becomes overwhelmed by intense emotions, leading to a significant activation of the nervous system. This response is rooted in our body's survival mechanisms, which trigger when the central nervous system detects that we’ve reached our threshold for negative emotions or distress.
When emotional flooding happens, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for logic, critical thought, and impulse control, shuts down. This leaves the midbrain, particularly the amygdala, a region associated with fear and threat response, in charge. As a result, the person may find it difficult to think clearly or communicate effectively.
Emotional flooding often triggers one of two physiological responses
1. Hyperarousal (Fight-or-flight response):
This response, driven by the sympathetic nervous system, releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, causing an increased heart rate, rapid breathing, and heightened blood pressure. The brain's amygdala takes over, making the person more prone to impulsive decisions and emotional reactions. This response is typically seen in someone who reacts to conflict with heightened emotional intensity, such as anger or panic. They may become defensive, agitated, or aggressive, feeling a strong urge to continue the argument as their nervous system is in overdrive, preparing them to "fight" the perceived threat.
2. Hypoarousal (Freeze response):
In contrast, some individuals may experience hypoarousal, linked to the parasympathetic nervous system and the dorsal vagal complex. This "freeze" response manifests as emotional shutdown or numbness. The person may become detached or disengaged, briefly dissociating as a way to protect themselves by minimizing engagement with the threatening situation. This learned coping mechanism is often a result of trauma or chronic stress, where detachment feels safer than active confrontation.
Each person’s nervous system is shaped by their early life experiences, attachment styles, and learned behaviors. For example, someone with a secure attachment history may excel at managing and regulating emotions, while someone with trauma or insecure attachments might be more susceptible to hyperarousal or hypoarousal during conflict.
Past trauma can condition the nervous system to respond in specific ways during conflict. For example, someone who grew up in a volatile environment may default to hyperarousal and aggressive engagement, while someone whose caregivers were unable to support their emotional experiences may be more likely to detach and exhibit hypoarousal as a survival strategy.
Regardless of whether a person responds with hyperarousal or hypoarousal, emotional flooding is an evolutionary response meant to protect us from danger. However, in modern times, this survival mechanism is often maladaptive, contributing to chronic stress, the development of autoimmune conditions, and other negative health effects. Understanding these responses is crucial for managing emotional flooding and mitigating its impact on relationships and overall well-being.
The effects of emotional flooding on relationships
Chronic stress can be like a poison that wreaks havoc over time for all the reasons I discussed above. For a young couple, fresh on their journey in life together, it debilitates both partners' ability to resolve conflict or repair the hurt caused. Despite the regret and long-term damage that results, emotional flooding—where one or both partners become overwhelmed by their emotions to the point that they can't communicate effectively is not well-discussed. This often leads to a cycle of miscommunication and unresolved tension, which can erode the foundation of the relationship over time, making it difficult for the couple to maintain a healthy and supportive connection.
Unfortunately, and regrettably, conflict in relationships is often seen as a sign of dysfunction or failure rather than a normal and potentially constructive aspect of healthy relationships. This negative perception discourages us from seeking a better understanding of our internal experiences and perpetuates our culture's history of devaluing emotional regulation, frustration tolerance, and self-awareness. These skills are crucial for cultivating healthy relationships, fostering emotional resilience, and ensuring overall psychological well-being.
While this topic may trigger old wounds and complex emotions, I want to be clear that my goal is to provide information that can contribute to changing the cultural norm around the importance of emotional expression and enhancing the value we place on emotional literacy.
Many people struggle to accurately describe their emotions, making it hard to recognize and address recurring patterns in relationships. Therefore, it is crucial to work on developing emotional intelligence to improve communication and connection with others.
The effects of gender identity on emotional flooding experiences
Research from the Gottman Institute highlights how gender identity and biology influence emotional flooding, particularly in the context of heterosexual couples during the perinatal period. Studies show that men are more prone to emotional flooding, requiring less negativity to perceive a threat and taking longer to recover after conflict. This often leads to behaviors like "stonewalling," where men withdraw and refuse to communicate, a response that may be shaped by both social conditioning and biological factors.
Historically, American culture has stigmatized emotional expression in men, particularly from a young age. Boys are often discouraged from showing vulnerability and are pressured to "toughen up," leading to the harmful belief that emotions are a sign of weakness. This cultural norm can result in shame and the development of maladaptive strategies to avoid or suppress emotions.
These coping mechanisms can persist into adulthood, impacting emotional regulation and relational dynamics, particularly in parenting roles. Without proper recognition and support, these unresolved emotional wounds can lead to significant health risks and challenges in fulfilling the expectations of modern fatherhood.
It's important to emphasize that this discussion is not about blaming or shaming men. Instead, it aims to educate and normalize these experiences, helping men feel valued and supported as they navigate the intense emotional challenges of parenthood. By acknowledging these struggles, we can foster a more compassionate and understanding approach to emotional health, benefiting both individuals and their families.
Responding to emotional flooding: Practical strategies
The first step necessary for addressing and improving one’s capacity to manage and regulate the body following emotional flooding involves learning to identify the physical and emotional signs of flooding, such as increased heart rate, shallow breathing, muscle tension, and feelings of overwhelm or panic. Step 2: Take a break. When you notice signs of flooding, you have an opportunity to take a break from the conflict to process and regulate your internal experiences. Examples of calming activities can be going for a walk, deep breathing, taking a shower or reading a book. Most importantly, avoid stewing over the argument or planning rebuttals, as this will only continue to activate stress hormones and prolong negative emotions. So, politely communicate to your partner that you need some time to calm down and will return to the discussion later.
Research consistently shows that our bodies require 20 minutes to restore internal regulation. This time allows the heart rate to return to normal. Agree on a word or phrase to start the timeout, and plan when to reconvene for the conversation. Taking a break is not a complete stop; it's a temporary pause. Have a brief discussion on when and how you will return to the topic.
As you are about to reconvene with your partner to process and reflect on the situation that resulted in conflict, recognize that this may be unfamiliar grounds for you and thus, may evoke discomfort or elicit intense emotions due to the experience of putting yourself in an emotionally vulnerable position with your partner. Take accountability for the ways your words or actions may have contributed to hurting the person you love and contributing to the conflict. For this process, a recommendation is to avoid engaging in what Dr. John Gottman, PhD, coined as the "Four Horsemen," no matter what. The Four Horsemen are behavioral patterns that lead to long-term damage in relationships, which are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each of these behaviors is likely to result in continued conflict and internal suffering, increasing the likelihood that flooding will occur.
To avoid engaging in the 4 Horsemen when communicating with your partner, it is important to practice active listening and empathy, express your perspective using "I" statements, agree on solutions, brainstorm positive ideas, compromise, focus on control, and engage in couples counseling with a trained therapist.
By consistently applying these strategies, you can gradually repair and heal relationships, rebuild trust, and restore a sense of psychological safety. These efforts not only enhance your relationships but also bolster your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Remember, you have the inner strength, skills, and power to foster a culture of appreciation, mutual respect, and trust. This foundation will strengthen your emotional connection and better prepare you for the challenges and joys of the perinatal and parenting phases.
Take the next step towards healing and connection
If you or your partner are experiencing emotional flooding and finding it difficult to navigate the challenges of parenthood and relationship conflicts, you don’t have to go through it alone. Understanding these patterns and learning how to manage them can transform your relationship and restore emotional balance.